How can I tell if we have a pubescent teen in the house?
Besides the obvious signs—physical development, change in voice, and greater peer orientation – the waning level of enthusiasm and lack of overt excitement indicates that our child is changing and puberty has set in.
This is one of the hardest things for us to bear. When in our attempt to connect with our teen we excitedly share:
“Guess what, I’ve managed to get tickets for the film you wanted to watch this Saturday”
Just last year, that type of gesture would have elicited an excited scream.
Now, at best, you might be met with a monotone:
“Okay”
Not being mirrored and being alone in exhibiting excitement can feel quite shameful – which is why we so easily correct and lecture in these situations:
“Some gratitude wouldn’t hurt”
“Do you have any idea how hard it was to get these tickets”
“Why are you always so moody”
But if we’re to take a step back, we know that no amount of shame increases your child’s enthusiasm. Just like no amount of telling off increases your connection.
Raising teens requires a gear change on our part. An operating system update that adjusts our expectations and enables us to translate our teen’s behaviour in a new way.
Gear change tips and things to trust
- Your child DOES want to feel connected to you but needs to be able to do so in a way that also leaves space to be separate from you and what you stand for.
- Your teen does not need you to match their mood. They suffer when they experience that the changes that they’re undergoing, negatively impact you and the family.
- Your teen needs you to hold yourself – when your excitement is not mirrored. Rather than telling them off or getting cross, they need you to allow them to have THEIR reaction and trust that this is what excitement looks and sounds like for them – at this stage of development.
- Your teen does not hate you. Your teen is overwhelmed with big emotions and has mixed feelings about the separation that adolescence kickstarts. Not wanting to be let go of while at the same time wanting to be allowed to create distance
- Your teen needs you to trust the process and get on board with the fact that they will make mistakes and that who they are right now is not an indication of the person they will be forever.
Parenting teens is a tightrope walk of releasing control at a pivotal moment and trusting that the foundation that we’ve laid will support them.
Give yourself the support you need and deserve
Some of these gear changes and mindset shifts outlined above might feel helpful and make logical sense.
But
- HOW we actually ‘hold ourselves’ might be a bit blurry
- WHAT we can do on a practical level when fear overwhelms us might feel unclear
- HOW we don’t take personal offence when met with attitude or lack of enthusiasm -may feel like a lofty goal.
You do not need to navigate this new terrain unsupported.
With me by your side, as your cheerleader, mentor and safe space to offload and reset, you can avoid falling into the many pitfalls along the adolescent path.
You can work with me in whatever way suits you best:
- Workshops (home hosted by you with your friends)
- 1:1 sessions via Zoom
- 1:1 session in person (my clinic or at your place)
- Walk and Talk sessions (if you live near GU24 )
- Email support
Sessions can be taken alone or with your partner at no extra charge and all 1:1 sessions include a detailed session summary.
To book your free discovery call/session now – simply drop me an email on:
Maill@louise-brooks.com
