Do you feel that you do everything in the house and get little in return when you ask for small jobs to be done? Do you frequently get upset about ‘Why do I have to do everything’? Are you sad, angry, frustrated and feel sorry for yourself that nobody helps and leave it all up to you to do?
Then you are not alone!
As parents we tend to do too much for our children, because:
- We might be control-freaks; yes we can do it better us self and to higher standard
- As a parent it is our job to do ‘stuff’ for our kids
- Confused about how much to expect our kids to do for them self and around the house, but also about how to implement it
- Simply a habit to do it. We have become do’ers
- Why should they? They are children and will soon enough experience adult life
- May feel that we are asking too much from them after a long, maybe stressful and demanding day at school, activities and homework. In addition they may be experiencing emotional, academic or social issues so we can sometimes overcompensate by doing too much at home to make them ‘better’.
BUT this is misplaced love: Love is allowing them to become independent and responsible by taking an agreed share of the chores at home AND looking after self (tidy room, wash cloth according to age, pack bag and make own pack lunch etc.).
Independence is not something that your children can gain by themselves; it is, in fact, a gift you give your children that they will cherish and benefit from for their entire lives.
Research shows that the best way to set our kids up for success and happiness is to start with clear, agreed, fair and realistic household chores at home because:
- It teaches them that as part of any community: family, school, activities, friend’s home etc. Everyone needs to share in the workload in order to be part of a community.
- It will foster motivation, co-operation, respect and consideration, without shouting and nagging.
- It is a huge confidence booster: they will feel important – trusted – needed – purposeful – we send a message that they can do it themselves because we think they are capable!
- Also remember that if you have boys you are raising somebodies else’s husband
Doing too much for our children don’t help them or us since:
- Sends a signal that they don’t have to contribute and can make them lazy. Learned helplessness a term used my Martin Seligman when it’s easier for you to do things yourself and makes them lazy and dependent on people to do and remind them.
- Makes us a doormat. Makes us a nagging martyr that leads to irritation, stress & feeling tired (why do I have to do it ALL)
- Robs them of the opportunity to become self-reliant and confident, disables them for the future
- Sends a signal that we think they can’t do it, so not a great confidence booster
- They may find it hard and become unwilling to take responsibilities for themselves. They blame others when things go wrong since they are not used to taking responsibility.
But don’t get mad at your kids for not helping more at home or tidy up after self or being better organised because you have placed all these chores on yourself (for the above reasons). Or kids have never directly asked you ‘can you please do EVERYTHING for me’, so they are in fact self-inflicted chores! So, it is up to you to change them into something positive
So at ParentingSuccess Coaching we recommend you to sit down with your family, have a family meeting and talk about how you can ‘give back’ all these self-inflicted chores. Come from a place of using an ‘I-Message’: ‘I feel that I am nagging all the time, I am always shouting and that makes me (and you) very sad and I am not very proud of that and I would like to change and need your help. You are so great, mature and capable so of course you can do more than I ‘allow’ you to do, so let’s talk about what can each one of us do to help around the house.
We run lots of workshop and events that will support you become a calmer and happier parent, who can raise independent children and a happy harmonies home
The ParentingSuccess Team Wishing you all the best
